After the Fear

I woke up rather abruptly this morning, and caught a thought scuffing and scratching with the rest of my dream dialogue to get back through the door of my subconscious. It didn’t make it, so I had no choice but to take it in for the day.

Sometimes the only way to move forward is to just hold still.

The context was much quicker through that door than this little thought, so trying to make it comfortable in my makeshift logic was difficult. But I did my best:

Holding still = moving forward, hmmm. I think that I knew this a long time ago, but I let it get shoved under the bed with the rest of the loose sock ideas in my head. How ironic to discover it now, when the race of the year and all of the things that I’ve ever feared are two weeks away.

I know that at some point all of my monsters will be out there on that course, and as I’ve resolved, I’m actually ready for them. But this is probably because with the SEBA workouts, I’ve stopped running in circles from them, I've held still and have turned to see exactly what they could do to me (which was nothing compared to what I'd dreamed up). And there you go, progress.

So now I’m not afraid, now I’m not limited by false perceptions, but now there's another problem in that it seems as if I’m the one chasing the monsters in circles because I’m getting so antsy and impatient about this race!!! It's the same stalled adrenaline every day.

I guess that I just need to keep still a little longer. It’s almost time.