Initus
And of it all, at least I can say… at the very least I can say that come stumbling be damned I came. At the very least I can say I decided, whether I knew it or not, that happiness would be defined thusly or as such, and that I would not pretend or accept or cower before even the greatest of improbability or precariously stacked odds in the pursuit of it. That I would not succumb to the oppression of another or dilute myself or make due or compromise my character. That I would declare and then deliver, and that I would be true to my beliefs regardless of the penalties, for even they belong to me if they are so earned.
At the very least I can say that I fought until it all fought back, and then I will revel in my ability to accurately and honestly recount that I braced and mustered a cocky display for my face before I charged back in, and in fact fought some more.
At the very least I can say of my life that yes, I have been a cynic. That yes, I have been naive and impatient and stubborn and foolish, and that I have made bad decisions, but I will never have to suffer saying that I have been a coward. I have never been a coward, and I have admittedly paid handsomely for the non-title and the right to claim myself ungoverned by those who would have me broken and agreeable.
I believe no fate is worse than that of never knowing how I could have lived were I not compromised, were I not untrue to myself, were I not afraid or intimidated back from action or talked out of follow through. Jangling bones that interrupt my sleep, the what and the if. Especially when they rattle 'round the neck of risk, and impede emancipating breaths breathed before the white flag of discouragement dropped to knee, and pleading for me to stop.
If I am to fall, let me fall, for I would not surrender. If I am to bleed, let me bleed, for I would not die unscathed.
Given this, at the very least I can say, as I lie there under the weight of having lost, that I believed this much in myself.
And at the most, I will be remembered a warrior.
posted by Wil at 9:02 AM
24 Comments:
WOW!!!!
who wants you broken and agreeable? who has called you a coward? not us.
No worries, Anon., I'm not defending myself in this post... just reaffirming some things I believe.
I don't know what you are talking about either. There has been no falling and no failing.
If this is some prelude to dropping out of IMWI '07 no worries. You are very young and have plenty of time for triathlon when your kids are bigger. If I'm totally misinterpreting then pardon me. But really, I just don't get it. You trained, you showed up, you went almost the entire distance in spite of feeling sick. No fault, no blame, and certainly no failure or fall.
ps - what is Initus?
Damn. That is good stuff. Not just the thoughts but the writing, the illustrations that you create in my mind. All good stuff. Nice work, as always my dear.
Initus is Latin. It means beginning. This isn't a prelude to, or a defense against, anything. It's just what I believe, and what I felt like saying today.
Please don't compare triathlon training and racing to war. No one is dying out there. It's really a diservice to those soldiers who have perished and their surviving loved ones.
You know what Anon... I'm pretty fucking tired of people assuming things. I didn't mention triathlon did I? Jesus.
I'm done checking this stupid comment window.
Beautifully written, as always Wil.
Don't take it personal, Wil. Anonymous is a dumb arse. What a suprise that is.
Thinking of you....
Wes I don't think Anonymous is that, but I do think he/she assumes too much, let's all keep some perspective here :)
I do think Wil is going through something pretty big and pretty difficult...and that everyone should just be patient.
Sara K: Long time lurker, first time commenter.
Sorry, Sara! I meant it entirely in jest of course. I would not assume to be able to pass such a judgement based on one anonymous comment. LOL.
I was trying to figure out of this was an original piece or if Wil was reprinting something. It almost sounds like something out of one of those personal accounts books of a long lost war. Very special, and I'm sure its original, cause Wil has such a way with words...
I thought this was a tri blog...maybe anon thought so too.
Teaching is hard, hell, life can be hard ...tris are hard, but it's a choice.
It IS a matter of perspective...and most of us have it pretty damn easy compared to those who are truly struggling day to day to put food on the table, clothe their kids, and keep a roof over their heads.
I certainly don't have to wait for a bus in the heat while sitting in my wheelchair...that's who I passed on my bike Sunday morning.
His life is difficult.
I think most readers take things written in blogs far too literally. Not every post is a prelude to a breakdown, a cry for help, or a commentary on tragedy. Sometimes, we just post what we find inspiring to ourselves whether literally or figuritively.
I do think that Wil is going through something mentally that hasn't been completely explained, as is her choice, and her posts are her attempt to figure things out for herself. We, as readers, are simply here for the ride. It, surprisingly enough, is not necessary for us to understand or even like every post.
regardless of what this applies to, it is excellent writing. sometimes writers just write. some of my best pieces make no sense to anyone but myself. thanks for sharing Wil. you have a brilliant and creative mind.
As always Wil, wonderful.
I don't get it. I get the post (I think) but not the comments. There's nothing about War or Triathlon in the post. It's simply an affirmation of effort. I read it that simply by trying and giving it the best effort you can is a victory in and of its self.
No real soldier would ever be offended by this, I am one. While it's not totaly applicable here, this is one of my favorite quotes.
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself.
John Stuart Mill (1806 - 1873)
stupid comment window??? you're very welcome for us leaving you thoughtful, encouraging comments.
Yea, what's up with the ONE negative comment garnering all the attention? What about the majority of people who leave their support and encouragement on this "stupid comment window"? Geez....people like ANON are best off just ignored. Instead all I ever see are Wil and Mr. Wil getting profane in response. It's sad to read something beautiful only to find the author getting pissed over some idiot on a comment window.
So, it's the next day. I suppose I'm not in quite the same absolutley fed up place.
You want to know something? I spend every day being gracious, but how quickly that's forgotten, or more accurately, how quickly that's overlooked, apparently, by some. Every day just gracious for everything... support, encouragement...and yesterday I was tired of defending myself for not delivering what people think they're owed. It's kind of exhausting, actually.
And I'm pretty tired in general today.
hope you are in a better place soon...
Geez anon, kick a person while she's feeling down and vulnerable why don't you. I've always thought blogs are like tv in that if you don't like them no-one forces you to keep watching/reading them.
Gonna stay away from those anon comments. I don't need it and neither do you.
At the very least I can say that I fought until it all fought back
I found this is a very interesting concept. Majority will stay away from fighting it all. This to me, is a mystery. Is there glory in fighting a half ass battle than walk away? This is a huge self sabotage as the what if and doubt creeps in.
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